


paint my body gold

by bbibbibbi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: A lot of drugs, Alcohol Abuse, College, Drugs, Euphoria Vibes, M/M, Mark getting over a break up and falling right back to love, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn, Strangers to Lovers, coming of age but make it young adult, watch as mark falls in love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 04:48:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 20,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27479050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bbibbibbi/pseuds/bbibbibbi
Summary: Donghyuck is goddamn August, a sign from the above about new beginnings in the form of loud laughter, honey skin, angelic voice, bottles of wine, smoke and strawberries.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee
Comments: 11
Kudos: 28





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i would like to thank mari for being the cutest beta to ever exist, thank you for your patience!  
>  **warning:** they do drugs and drink a lot, so if you’re not comfortable with that, feel free to skip!

______

  
  


Break-ups are hard. 

And painful and maddening and everything in between.

It’s not easy to let go of someone who had previously been everything to you, someone you built your life around. 

It’s never easy saying goodbye to that person and trying to move on. 

But you have to, or at least you can try to, and maybe you will get so used to faking it that you will finally succeed.

That’s what Mark tells himself as he’s pacing around his now empty room, staring at the white walls as if they’re trying to tell him something. He sighs while walking around mindlessly, trying to repress all the thoughts rushing through his mind as he did so.

_Does Mina even miss me? It looks like it’s so easy for her._

Mark rolls his eyes, groaning at his stupidity, Yukhei’s voice ringing in his ears saying _‘don’t say that, she loved you very much, it’s not easy for her either’_. Whatever, Mark has the right to feel bitter about the stupid break up.

It doesn’t matter now, anyways. He is going to a different college, a much more expensive and posh one, and he is actually looking forward to it, knowing full well that he might not take the opportunity if he was still with Mina.

“See?” He mumbles to himself. “Maybe good things can come from it.”

______

Jeno is a great friend and his new roommate, something they dreamt about throughout high school. Back then, it was crazy to think that it would ever come true, but it is happening. Just Mark and Jeno, the bestest friends in the world, and _Renjun_ , his best friend’s boyfriend.

Mark loves Renjun, they’re close friends, and he’s seen the two of them become inseparable in front of his own eyes and takes pride in that, because Jeno made it pretty clear that Mark will be their best man. _However_ , he is going through a hard break up and would very much enjoy not seeing couples being lovey dovey in front of him, for his own sanity.

Obviously though, he doesn’t have it in him to ask them to tone it down a notch, because he actually loves their relationship and is more than happy for them. If there is someone in the world who deserves to be loved, it’s Jeno; and if there’s someone in the world who knows how to love, it’s Renjun. 

As the days go by and Mark tries to fall into a routine, he notices a pattern — he tries to keep himself busy with homework, forces himself to say _yes_ to every party and get together his friends and classmates invite him to, he reads more books than he used to and even writes way more than before, he tries his hardest to understand his feelings and to give himself time to heal. It’s not easy, of course, but he keeps going.

It’s three months after the break up that Mark feels like himself again, or at least like a seventy-five-percent-Mark. He wasn’t ready to get out there and be stupid and reckless, but he was enjoying hanging out with his friends and meeting new people.

“There’s a party today!” Yukhei said, smiling wickedly. “Out of school property, of course.”

Mark rolled his eyes, already knowing what would be waiting for them at said party — lots of illegal stuff. But surprisingly, Mark didn’t really mind. He used to hate drunk people, especially the ones drugged out of their minds, but now he was getting used to it. And if he’s being honest, he allowed himself to try some things out, just for the thrill of it.

_Huh. Mina sure would hate this version of you._

_Great._

It’s weird, letting go of her; he knows that he is nowhere near the point where he is able to tell people he’s moved on, he’s still lost as fuck, but now it’s like he can actually make it, so he won’t take it for granted.

He’s standing in front of the mirror, looking at his black ripped jeans and black oversized shirt, his hair is a bit messy, but he likes it. All he needs is his jacket and money, nothing else.

“What about the booze?”

“We pitched in earlier, don’t worry. I gave Johnny your fifty bucks.”

“Good.” Mark opens the fridge, taking out a bottle of water. “He bought it?”

Renjun rolls his eyes, but gives him the smile that means he’s up to something bad. “Yes, kind sir, your weed is secured.”

He snorts, putting Renjun in an armlock and messing his hair up, “Don’t act like you won’t ask for my blunt!”

“Why ask for yours when I have my boyfriend’s?”

“Mark, don’t hit my baby!”

The three of them leave at ten past eight, deciding to take the bus since it’s only four stops after. The party is at Taeyong’s house, he shares it with Johnny and Yuta, and they’re the sophomores that everyone adores. If there’s a party at their house, it means it’s gonna be great. 

They live in a gated community, because they’re fucking rich, and no one ever bothers them because rich people never have to pay for anything. Mark knows that from experience.

They’re early like always, so they can all start warming up before the party actually starts, which would be around nine. They let themselves in, high fiving and playing around, a shot of vodka on their hands. Mark spots a few of them — Jaehyun, Yukhei and an orange haired guy — lining up around a table. He watches as Jaehyung takes a package filled with white powder out of his jacket’s pocket and Yukhei throws it on the table. He then begins to form lines using a credit card while Jaehyung takes out three bills and rolls one by one, taking one towards his nose as he bends down and inhales the coke.

It goes without saying that Mark never tried anything besides weed and some sweets, but he’d be lying if he told his friends that he wasn’t curious about it. He won’t try it, at least not tonight, but he still watches the orange haired boy as he bends down and inhales his first line of the night, mesmerized by the lazy and blissed out expression on his face. He’s completely taken aback when the boy, still with his head tilted back, looks at him and smirks.

_Beautiful.  
  
_

He lets Jungwoo kiss the fuck out of him inside a bathroom, between giggles and dirty words. They won’t go any further than blowing each other, Mark is not ready for it yet and Jungwoo is nothing but patient with him, and also familiar. _Old habits die hard,_ he thinks to himself. He rarely kisses strangers, always people he knows. And Jungwoo, although new in his life, was very adamant of them getting close, letting everyone know he had a puppy crush on the new guy. It’s nice, _Jungwoo_ is nice and carefree, everything Mark needs right now — someone to take his mind off things, to make him feel desired, to be a distraction. And maybe two months ago he would have thought that using someone is a terrible thing, but Jungwoo made it pretty clear he likes it. 

Once they’re done, Jungwoo lights up a blunt and shares it with him. He becomes really giggly when he smokes, it’s fun to watch. They’re sitting by the stairs, crumpled together, looking out at the crowd of people drinking, hooking up and dancing. His eyes fall on the guy with orange hair, he’s smiling at Johnny after the older scores at beer pong.

“Who is that?”

Jungwoo looks up, easily spotting the boy.

“Donghyuck.” He glances at Mark, smirking. “Caught your eye, huh?”

Mark shrugs, passing him the joint after taking a long drag. “Just curious.”

With his long orange hair, tanned skin and the tattoos on his hand. It makes Mark wonder if they climb through his arm.

“He’s pretty cool.” Jungwoo giggles, for whatever reason. “Pretty _and_ cool.”

_Obviously._

“Really pretty.” Mark mutters, ignoring his friend’s stupid smirk. “But like I said, I’m just curious. He is the only one I wasn’t introduced to.”

“Want me to fix that for ya?”

“ _Nope_.” He takes another drag, pointedly looking at Jungwoo. “Don’t do it.”

“ _‘Aight._ Your choice.”

The brown haired guy with a pretty smile takes him to the middle of the dance floor, laughing at Mark’s awkward dance moves and yelling the lyrics from _Blinding Lights._ This guy is friends with Renjun and had taken pity on Mark, seeing as he was being a huge third wheel while Jeno was nearly dry humped.

_Na Jaemin_ is a nice guy. He smells really good and smiles like he knows he’s trouble. Mark likes it. The boy is so drunk and dizzy because of the neon lights that he almost feels euphoric, the last shot of tequila he downed really makes a number on him. Mark laughs when Jaemin gets closer and pushes him by the waist, whispering sweet nothings into his ear. When the boy nibbles at his jaw, Mark holds the back of his neck and pushes his face forward so their lips can meet.

And it’s nice. It’s liberating. It almost feels like he’s complete for a few seconds, like he’s over Mina and actually moving on. He isn’t, not yet, but distractions are always good — and Jaemin, just like Jungwoo, is a great one.

______

“Hey, pretty boy.”

“Hey.” Mark looks up, smiling at Jaemin. “You’re here earlier.”

The boy sits by Mark’s side on the staircase, looking like he’s got no care in the world. It still amazes Mark, even after knowing him for a whole month.

“You’re actually studying?”

“Yeah, some people do that.”

Jaemin rolls his eyes. “I study too, you know? My GPA is actually over 3.8.”

“Good for you, babe!”

The younger snorts, nudging Mark with his elbow. It’s clear that Jaemin is itching for a cigarette, but won’t do it on school grounds — not because he has morals, he’s always smoking in the bathroom and behind buildings, but right now they’re in one of the main ones.

“Are you lost?”

They became close pretty quickly, mostly because on the night they met, after he and Mark hooked up, Jaemin got too drunk to know his damn name, and Mark decided that he couldn’t just leave the boy by himself and took him home — Jaemin slept on the sofa. Since then, the guy just always showed up with Renjun and played games with them. They haven’t hooked up since then and Jaemin seems to genuinely like him as a friend. It’s nice.

“I’m currently skipping class.”

“Why? It’s a week before exams.”

“So?” He points at his head. “Everything I need to know is archived right here, babe.”

“Don’t come crying when you fail.”

“As if… But shut up, I actually had something to say before you rudely interrupted me.”

“What is it?”

Mark can already guess - a party at someone’s place, as always. He’s not complaining and very much intends on going, but it doesn’t mean he’s into parties and likes to attend them.

“A kickback party at Jaehyun’s.”

“Mm… who does he live with?”

“Doyoung and Taeil.” He shrugs. “You going?”

“Sure.”

“Great. I’ll bring the goodies.”

Jaemin gets up and stretches, then bends down and pecks Mark’s lips.

“See you around, baby cheeks.”

Mark rolls his eyes but can’t hold in a smile. He has weird friends.

______

He’s more familiar with everyone now, except for the orange haired boy, but at least he knows his name is Donghyuck. He knows that Yukhei dates Hendery, Doyoung dates Taeyong, Jaehyun and Johnny have something going on, while the rest is either single or complicated. It’s still weird being part of the _‘single’_ category after being taken for so long, but things are what they are. At least he’s not lonely, he’s got Jungwoo to fool around with and Jaemin is always ready to keep him company, there’s no need to involve feelings and everyone wins in the end. It’s nice. It’s good. But why is it that he still feels awful when the night is gone and he thinks about the people he kissed? Why does it feel like he’s cheating on Mina, even after four months of being over? Healing is so weird. He feels like he’s almost himself again, yet he is terrified of opening himself romantically, because it’s too soon and it still hurts.

He should be over it by now, right? Isn’t it wrong for someone to be stuck for too long after a break up? He feels ashamed sometimes, to still be healing after almost half a year, of still having to force himself to be social and get out there. At first he was doing it out of spite, he wanted to meet new people and forget everything for a few hours, but now it’s like he’s still trying to prove something for everyone and forgetting to take care of himself. 

Shouldn’t he be okay by now?

He’s feeling under the weather today. He’s at the balcony of Jaehyun’s apartment, taking in the view. He sips his beer, feeling tipsy but not drunk, and the atmosphere is nice, the people are cool and it feels familiar.

That’s what Mark likes— _familiarity._

The door to the balcony slides open but he doesn’t bother looking behind him, so he is taken aback when he finds Donghyuck standing by the rail, eyes glued to the night sky as he lights up a cigarette. Mark watches him silently, mesmerized as always. Donghyuck is a fascinating creature, he looks like a 3D character, someone too good to be true. He’s so delicate and pretty, seemingly soft to the touch and sharp around the edges. Mark is pretty sure Donghyuck could break him into a thousand pieces. 

If Jaemin looks like trouble, Donghyuck looks like something you can’t have. 

“Do you always stare at people like that?”

The boy doesn’t even turn around, just keeps staring ahead, like Mark isn’t there. And Mark, well, he feels his face heating up and maybe the beer is giving him too much courage, because he can’t seem to mind. Had he been sober, he would probably ramble words and run away, but not tonight.

“Sometimes.”

_When I find them interesting._

“Damn it, thought I was special for a second there.”

Mark smiles, “Sorry.”

The boy chuckles, leaning against the railing and tilting his head with his eyes closed. Mark can’t look away.

“You’re friends with Jeno and Renjun.”

Since it’s not a question, he answers _yeah_ and takes another sip, waiting. The fresh air from the night is a nice change, it almost makes him sober up, except he keeps on drinking.

“They’re cute.”

Mark looks back, through the glass door, spotting Renjun in Jeno’s lap, giggling at something Yukhei is yelling in Chinese.

“They are.”

“They almost make me want to love someone.”

He raises an eyebrow at that, “Almost?”

“It’s nice looking at them being in love and happy, but it’s a completely different thing for me to have that.” 

“Why?”

“Because relationships are hard and ask a lot from people. Would you be willing to bare yourself to someone? _Anyone?_ ”

_I did, for years._

“Not _anyone_ , no. But to someone special, sure.”

At that Donghyuck turns around, staring down at Mark, while taking a drag of his cigarette.

“Someone special… what is that, exactly?”

“Someone who makes you feel safe, like you can be yourself around them, you know?”

Donghyuck keeps staring at him for a few moments, but it looks like his mind is far away, so Mark patiently waits, sipping his beer and glancing between the sky and the pretty boy.

“No, I don’t.” It’s almost a whisper, but he catches it anyway. “In theory, sure, but not for real.”

Mark gives him a sad smile.

“One day you’ll know.”

“How can you be so sure?”

He shrugs, feeling something on his guts. “I’m not, but I hope you will find someone who makes you feel like that.”

Donghyuck is just a stranger that Mark spots at parties and can’t look away from, but as he stands in front of Mark, leaning his back against the railing and smoking, talking about random shit with him, he feels like they’re old acquaintances.

“I’m Donghyuck, by the way.”

Mark watches, almost breathlessly, as the boy smiles at him.

_I know_ , he thinks.

“I’m Mark.”

______

  
The thing with a broken heart is that healing isn’t a linear experience, there are high and low days. Most of the time he’s okay, it’s been months now, but there are days where it’s almost impossible — like today, that would have been their fourth anniversary together. He might not feel the same way he did a year ago, but he got so used to being together that whenever dates like this come up he feels empty, as if something is missing. 

_Someone._

“You got used to having her in your life, of course you would feel that way.” Renjun says as they’re having breakfast, Jeno fast asleep in his room. “It doesn’t mean you’re still in love with her.”

“I hope so… how sad would it be if I still was in love with her?”

“Remember when Jeno and I broke up for four months?”

_Ugh_. That was a horrible time.

“Yeah.”

“By the fourth month, I was sure I still loved him and that I wanted to be with Jeno. Do you feel like that?”

He frowns. When Mina broke up with him, Mark was sure that he wouldn’t move on so easily or find someone to love him like she did. Now, he’s not sure. He isn’t looking for a quick fix or something that will last, just trying very hard to live his life, and sometimes he misses her.

“Because she was a constant.” Renjun answers when Mark tells him all of that. “She was in your life for years, way before you both fell in love, and now she’s gone.”

_Constant._

_Familiar._

Oh.

“I just miss her.”

His friend nods, a sad smile on his lips. Renjun understands Mark for many reasons, it’s the way he felt during those awful four months and how he watched Mark and Mina fall in and out of love.

“But maybe I don’t miss being with her.” Mark concludes. “I just… miss Mina.”

“Yeah, babe. You should try to understand what you’re feeling, but take your time.”

He sighs, confused and lost, like always. It’s the 10th of July and he will get through the day.

“Oh, Hyuck is coming here. He needs help studying for a test.”

He hasn’t seen Donghyuck since that night at Jaehyun’s apartment. He and Donghyuck shared a blunt while talking about random things.

“Okay. I’ll probably study the whole day too.”

Mark came up with a schedule that he’s trying very hard to stick to and that’s what he does. He’s locked inside his room when Donghyuck arrives and absentmindedly listens to them talk. He remains locked inside his room, finding comfort in studying - it distracts him and helps a lot, it’s a win-win situation. He also tries his hardest to ignore his parents, only replying to a text once in a while, still trying to find his balance - they’re very caring, so much that it’s suffocating, like Mark isn’t his own twenty one years old person. His mother is worried about him, she probably thought he was going to react badly to the break up, which in a way he did, but sometimes it’s like they thought Mark was nothing without Mina. Just like him, his family got used to having the girl around, both their families planning weddings and stupid things like that, and thank fuck no one had the idea of saving up.

_No thinking about the past, Mark._

Easier said than done, right?

Donghyuck becomes a constant presence in the apartment, just like Renjun. Mark really isn’t sure why the latter isn’t living with them yet, since he’s always around and even invites his own friends to come over — not that Mark minds, he truly doesn’t, it’s just odd. Maybe it’s time for Jeno and Renjun to move in together and maybe he’s in the way.

But as Jeno arrives and calls out for Mark, making him join them at the kitchen to have breakfast, he thinks that he’s wrong. Renjun and Jeno are right where they need to be, both knowing what’s best for their relationship.

Sometimes his mind is just that egocentric, trying to make everything about him. _That’s what Mina told you.  
  
_

When they’re not stuck at home studying their ass off, they’re at a party having the time of their lives. Mark forces himself to always say _yes_ , because he has a hard time being sad whenever he’s surrounded by booze and people touching him. He indulges himself with Jaemin’s enchanting smile and Jungwoo’s soft voice on his ear, he downs every drink he sees in front of him, exchanges sweets through languid kisses and laughs like a maniac at his friends.

And it’s fun.

_It’s freeing._

And for a short period of time it helps him to forget the past months and how empty he feels.

Sometimes he spots Donghyuck, and if he’s wasted, the boy is worse — always mixing drinks, doing body shots, snorting lines of coke and hooking up with everything that breathes. It’s intriguing, really, and Mark can’t seem to look away whenever he spots Donghyuck. In the back of his mind he thinks that maybe the boy is just like him — desperately trying to find an escape, even if it’s only for a few hours. And although they rarely talk or even acknowledge each other properly, Donghyuck always spots him through the crowd and smirks at him.

He looks like something out of a renaissance painting; captivating and mysterious, but no matter how many times you try to understand it, you can’t really unravel its meaning.

______

Johnny Suh is the embodiment of _emo boy_ meets _extremely rich kid_. He studies Liberal Arts and skateboards his way through campus, looking like the image of carelessness and everything nice. You would think he would be an Economics or Communication major, so he could take after his father, the owner of a franchise of fancy hotels around the world, but no, Johnny is living his best life in Seoul, as far away as possible from Chicago and men in suits. 

Mark met him years ago, because their parents are really close — _“Rich people always know each other, don’t they?”_ — and when Mark realized he was going back to Seoul, well, talking to Johnny was a must. That’s how Mark ended up being introduced to all of his friends and somehow his group of friends immersed itself with Johnny’s and the mess was made.

Their college is a highly prestigious one, and it’s private as well, though it gives a lot of opportunities for people who can’t afford it. It’s very posh and rather annoying, considering that Mark hates most people that study there, but it’s also a great opportunity to become someone. At least it could be worse, it could be one of those boarding schools where you’re forced to live within campus and follow a dressing code, he is sure he wouldn’t be able to stand a place like that. And the people, at least who he talks to, are nice and welcoming, and rich people know how to throw a great party, so that’s a bonus. He can’t really complain much, he knows his parents are paying a lot for him to be here and it’s a great thing, it will look incredible on his resume. 

Besides, being at SMU is not only great for his future but also his present, since he’s having his fun surrounded by crazy rich people who have no shame and can’t be tamed at all. 

For example, right now, he is sitting on the couch of Johnny’s expensive apartment, a bottle in his hand and smoking a blunt, watching people go crazy. There’s white powder everywhere on the middle table, a credit card that probably belongs to Jaehyun, the sound is on it’s maximum volume and in the back of his mind he’s thinking how the fuck has no one called the police yet.

He’s drifting away when he feels a weight on his lap, when he opens his eyes Jaemin is smiling down at him, sweaty and with his pupils blown, looking a second away from reaching a maniac state. Mark thinks about that time Donghyuck laughed at Jaemin, saying something about the boy living _the best of the both worlds_ while singing along to Hannah Montana, and it was funny back then, but now he gets it — during the day Na Jaemin is the untouchable son of a businessman who owns Seoul, a great student with a 4.0 GPA, a charismatic figure who could sweet talk a brick wall, a character from The Great Gatsby or Gossip Girl, you pick, but at night he is a reckless creature, with hooded eyes that bare into your soul, and that Cheshire Cat smile and freedom. Jaemin is made of silver, expensive champagne and glitter. He is a force to be reckoned with, like a black hole drifting around space, pulling everyone in.

“May I help you?”

Jaemin wraps an arm around his shoulder, lips tracing Mark’s jawline, tentatively. He either wants to take Mark to an empty room or to drag him to the dance floor.

“You’re boring today.”

“I’m boring _everyday,_ love.” He says with British accent, the lips leaving kisses on his neck widen in a lazy smile. “Just like you’re always euphoric.”

“You like it.”

“Sure.”

He lets Jaemin kiss him like he’s fighting for his life, lets the boy take him to an empty room and make whatever he wants with him, because Jaemin knows how to please and take pleasure, he’s a selfless lover and Mark is a sucker for it. And for an hour he forgets all his frustrations, the missed calls from his parents, the picture of Mina he saw on a mutual friend’s Instagram stories, the thought that crossed his mind about how he might just be wasting his life and becoming a huge disappointment.

Once they’re out of the room, Jaemin is clinging to his neck while Mark tries to down a bottle of water down the boy’s throat, because he’s clearly had enough and Mark is the _‘mom_ _friend’._

Jaemin is sitting by the balcony, feet dangling, looking like an innocent child and it’s almost endearing. _Almost_ because he is high as a kite and looking like pure sin, but it fits him. He watches with wide eyes as Mark makes him drink water and gives him ice cream, sometimes making the older feed him because he’s a little shit and no one can say no to him.

From his peripheral vision he can see Donghyuck leaning against the threshold, smirking at Jaemin. They’re good friends, from what Mark has seen, always annoying the shit out of each other. One time he found them cuddling on the couch, passed out from a night of relentless partying, looking like angelic kids. 

“Looking good, Na.”

Jaemin looks up, smiling as soon as he spots Donghyuck. “You too, babe.”

At that, the orange haired boy approaches them, leaning against the balcony, lips twitching up but he tries not to let his smile show.

“Found yourself a babysitter, huh.”

Mark rolls his eyes, glancing at the boy without much interest.

“Mark? No! Hyuck, he’s a true gentleman.” Jaemin wraps his arms around Mark at that, almost dropping his ice cream on him, but thankfully he manages not to. “He’s the sweetest!”

“I’m sure he is.” Donghyuck’s gaze scrutinizes him, making his skin crawl. “Do you have a cig?”

He reaches for his pocket and passes it for him, finally getting out of Jaemin’s hug and forcing more ice cream down his throat. 

“A lighter?”

Donghyuck sounds eager but looks calm, or maybe Mark is just crazy, but he still fetches a lighter and lights it, watching the boy lean forward towards it, pink lips wrapped around the cigarette and his eyes looking at Mark.

_Fuck. Me. Up._

“You should probably call his driver.” Donghyuck says, eyes flicking towards Jaemin. “There’s no way he will manage to get home.”

Mark does what he’s told, looking for _‘Driver’_ on the boy’s phone and then ringing it. Twenty minutes later, Mark and Donghyuck are carrying the boy out of the party, between giggles and struggles, but at least Jaemin will be safe and not passed out on the ground.

“Fuck, you’d think someone skinny like him would weight like a leaf.”

Donghyuck sits down on the curb, head between his knees as he massages the back of his neck. Mark should probably go back inside and tell Jeno and Renjun that he wants to leave, but he sits down beside Donghyuck and lights up a cigarette.

“He’s going to ruin himself one day.” Hyuck says. “It’s only a matter of time.”

He doesn’t need for him to clarify who he’s talking about, it’s obviously Jaemin, and Mark agrees.

“Aren’t we all?”

The boy chuckles, “Probably. I know damn well how close I am to losing it.”

Being young and confused, a recorrente thing in the world; whoever came up with the excuse about your teenager years being the best years of your life was a fucking dumbass, it’s the most scary and painful years.

“At least everyone is losing it together.”

“Sure. We’re all going to bound in hell.”

He laughs at that, almost choking on the smoke, which causes Donghyuck to laugh too . Somehow they always end up hiding from everyone and talking about the most random things.

“Why are you here?”

“At the party? I was invited.”

“No, Canada, I mean at SMU.”

Mark chuckles, “The usual. Broke up with my girlfriend of four years and decided I should run as far away from her as possible.”

His eyebrows rose, “Of course, _the usual._ ” The corner of his mouth turns up. “Four years, uh? That’s a long time.”

“That’s a toddler’s life.”

“I can’t even see myself being alive four years from now.”

Mark gawked at him, watching the way the light brightens half of his face, and Donghyuck looks beautiful and so close to him, and he steals Mark’s cigarette and takes a drag like they have all the time in the world.

And Mark— _shit_. Mark keeps staring.

“Sometimes I look at Renjun and Jeno and wonder how they’re able to be in love for so long. They look really happy, you know? Like all they need is each other. I thought that shit only existed in movies but here they are.”

He’s staring at the ground, a smile playing on his lips at the thought of his friends.

“A love like theirs is rare. Not everyone is lucky enough to have that.”

“I’m sure I wasn’t, but were you?”

He considers the question for a minute, tries, _and fails,_ not to think of Mina and her sweet smile, then remembers how he felt when they were together and how everything was towards the end. It’s not the first time he thinks about this, comparing what he had to what his friends have, but the answer is still somewhat unknown. They had a good thing, it was easy and real and beautiful, but also painful. He could see a future with her, both of them living together and building a life for themselves, but now that she’s not in his life he can also see a future without her, and that’s just as scary. Wasn’t Mina supposed to be the love of his life and the mere thought or her not being with him should be brushed aside like a nightmare? So why is it that he feels almost excited for whatever is to come and is afraid that Mina might come looking for him, even though he knows she won’t? 

He sighs in surrender.

“I have no idea.” And that’s a truthful answer, and he could very well leave it at that, but he finds himself speaking again, “Probably not.”

And it’s stupid, it looks like a scene from a coming of age movie — despite the fact that they’re twenty something — as they’re sitting by the curb, watching the sky and the cars, talking about a kind of love they might not have in this lifetime, but Mark likes it, he feels comfortable talking to the mystery creature that it Donghyuck.

“But you wish it was.”

Does he? If Mark was asked this question around five months ago, he wouldn’t even blink before answering _‘yes’_ , but now he actually takes his time to think it through and the answer doesn’t seem the same anymore.

“I don’t know.”

“Huh.” Donghyuck beams are him, eyes glossy. “If that person was your _once in a lifetime_ type of love, you would know.”

Mark frowns. “Easy as that?”

The boy shrugs, “Easy as that.”

“Damn, you just gave me food for thought.” Mark gets up, slapping his own ass to clean it. “Didn’t know you had it in you.”

“I’m like a Kinder Egg, dude. Filled with surprises and expensive as fuck.”

Mark laughs, holding the hands Donghyuck holds out to him and helping him get on his feet.

“Where’re you going? Your friends are still inside.”

“I’ll just text them. I’m tired.”

“Going home then?”

They’re facing each other and Mark is trying not to stare too much, but it’s really difficult since Donghyuck looks like a freaking angel.

“Yeah.”

“Cool.” Donghyuck bites his lower lip, and Mark is thinking that he should say goodbye but he knows the boy has more to say, so he waits. “Take me with you.”

His eyebrows raise in surprise. “What?”

With a smile spreading across his face, Hyuck answers, “I’m too tired to go home right now.”

“So you wanna come to mine?”

“Exactly.”

_A mysterious creature, this one._

It’s three in the morning and they’re standing in the middle of the street, Donghyuck’s eyes shining and staring deep into his soul, and Mark is tired and his blood is rushing through his veins and he can feel his heartbeat and—

“Okay.”

And they go to his house, Donghyuck lets Mark lead the way and excuses himself when they walk in. Mark takes him to his room and gives him comfortable clothes to wear and asks if he wants something from the kitchen — water, but only if Mark is okay with it. Then they lay down, side by side but still keeping a safe distance from the other, and Donghyuck is smiling because Mark has one of those _ocean galaxy lights_ and it looks like they’re in space and — _this should be weird, right? Why isn’t it weird?_

That’s the first night Donghyuck sleeps in his bed.

______

Renjun’s father is a Lawyer who works for the rich, so he’s never unemployed and is quite rich himself and his mother is a Chinese actress. They sent him to study abroad years ago and he liked it too much, living with his brother Sicheng — who also studies at SMU.

When Mark met him he was the cutest person he had ever seen, with crooked teeth and messy hair, looking like a little mochi. It was hard not to look at him and feel a need to take him in, and Mark did just that. It’s been Mark, Jeno and Renjun for as long as he can remember. He met Jeno when they were kids, Mark was ten and had just moved to South Korea because his father, a music producer, was going to work with some important people from the industry, one of them being Donghae, Jeno’s dad. When Mark introduced Renjun to Jeno, when they were both fourteen years old, they hit it off pretty fast, and two years later the _funny feelings_ came. They’ve been together ever since, and now Mark is like their kid.

That’s why Mark is lying on Jeno’s bed with Renjun cuddling him and caressing his head, because it’s one of those low days and he would be stuck inside his room listening to _Asleep_ or _I Lost a Friend_ while being miserable. Instead, Renjun took him from his bed and dragged him to Jeno’s, turning on Netflix and making him watch Naruto from the start while eating junk food. Now, hours later and with Jeno finally back from his father’s studio, the three of them are laying down, Mark in between them, feeling warm and loved. _Reply 1997_ is playing and maybe they’re about to cry.

It’s a Thursday and they’ve been studying their ass off, because SMU doesn’t let their students breathe. There’s probably a lot of parties going on, but they chose to be inside with him, which made him feel quite guilty, but Renjun cursed at him when he said so. Tomorrow they will attend a kickback party in someone’s house and go to a club after, then repeat the same thing on Saturday and Sunday, like they always do. It’s really ironic how he lets his friends drag him to parties lately when a year ago he’d rather stay in with Mina, watching movies and cuddling. Damn, sometimes she would go out and leave him, Mark wasn’t too much into the partying thing, but now it’s like he needs it to get his mind off things. Being with his friends helps a lot as well, he got closer to them and met new people, made great friendships and now he feels like he is actually living. It’s been nearly six months since his heart broke, six months of trying to get back on his feet and reinvent himself while searching for his true self. It’s been scary and somehow rewarding, but it’s always two steps ahead and one step back. At least he’s moving, right? 

As they pause the tv show so Jeno can go get their dinner, Mark’s thoughts find Donghyuck and how the boy looked standing in the middle of his dark bedroom, five nights ago. He thinks about how his bed still smelt of him the next night and how Donghyuck looked in the morning, so soft and innocent with his messy hair. He wonders how he is doing, because they rarely see each other on campus and Mark hasn’t been around during Renjun’s study sessions. He also wonders about the boy’s life, he never really got the chance to ask him — and it probably would be weird to straight out ask about his parents, he’s not Jaemin — and he fears Renjun might find it weird if he asks him. But the orange haired boy is always in the back of his mind, like a riddle he can’t solve and therefore can’t stop thinking about. 

“What do you know about Donghyuck?” He finds himself asking, _goddammit!_

“He keeps to himself, but he parties a lot. We’re really close though, he’s a nice guy.”

“He’s kinda… random.”

Renjun giggles from behind him, still cuddling Mark. “Yeah, but that’s his charm, isn’t it?”

_Yes._

“I guess.”

“How did he manage to sleep here after that party?”

The next morning, Jeno was playing his electric guitar and Mark ran out of his room telling them to ‘ _shut up!’_ because Donghyuck was passed out.

Turns out the boy is a heavy sleeper and couldn’t be bothered by all the noise, but the fact that Mark was worried the slightest noise might wake him up was enough for Renjun to give him hell.

“We took care of Jaemin and then just sat down by the curb and smoked. He said he didn’t want to go home, so I took him to mine.”

“I don’t think he likes his home.” Renjun says, but it’s almost a whisper; Mark turns around to face him, curiosity in his eyes. Junnie gives a sad smile, “Something to do with his parents, I don’t really know.”

“Is he another one of those rich fuck?”

“You mean like you?” They chuckle. “You could say so… His father came from a rich family, his grandfather owns CHS.”

“ _Fuck_.”

“Yeah. But his father is nowhere to be seen, don’t think he even raised Donghyuck, he just… disappeared.”

“And his mother?”

“His mother is Lee Hyori, a big deal in the industry as well, but she got tired of the spotlight and settled down with a nice guy, they got married and moved to Jeju Island.”

_At least he has his mother._

But does he? She lives all the way in Jeju, while he’s in Seoul all by himself.

Does he hate going home because he lives by himself?

What is he doing right now?

“How long have you been friends?”

“A year and a half? Since I came here. He’s a Visual Arts major, he’s really good.”

He hears the door to their apartment opening, which means Jeno is back with their food.

“Why the sudden interest?”

Mark shrugs, trying to act nonchalant. “Just… curious.”

_And maybe a bit obsessed._

“You both could use someone like each other.”

“What does that mean?”

Renjun shrugs, “Just… you know. Hyuck is a carefree person and you could use some of that in your life.”

“I have Jaemin.”

“He’s _too_ carefree. Actually, scratch that; Jaemin is _reckless_ , and you don’t need that in your life.”

“If you say so.”

“And besides, Donghyuck could use a friend who will listen and not just use him for sex.”

_“Jeez.”_

“Don’t give me that look! I’m just stating facts.”

“What facts?” Jeno pops into the room, his eyes going into crescents. “Dinner arrived, children!”

Renjun gets up, dragging Mark by his arms and letting go of him as soon as they reach Jeno, the shorter jumping onto his lover’s back.

“I was just telling Mark how he could use someone like Hyuck.”

“Sure, if he’s into randomness and endless blabbering.”

Renjun scrunches his nose as Jeno sets him down by the couch. “You’re describing me… is there something you want to say?”

Jeno laughs, picking a french frie and feeding it to Renjun. “No, babe. I meant it as a good thing.”

Renjun narrows his eyes at him, “You’re on thin ice, Lee Jeno.”

_“Oh my!”_

Sometimes Mark hates how in love they are; he doesn’t want them to ever break up, he can see himself being their best man on their wedding day, but sometimes he can’t help but feel jealous — and he feels awful about it. It’s not bad jealousy, he doesn’t want what they have in a _‘I want to be one of them’_ kind of way, he just wants to feel something like that. When he first got with Mina it felt like magic, like nothing he ever felt before, he would have jumped off a cliff if she asked him to. It was like a dream, like a fucking rom-com, that kind of love. She was his first love, first kiss, first intimate relationship, all of his firsts. That’s why it’s so hard for him to fully move on, because she is attached to all of those first times and he truly loved her, to the point where he still fears he might never love someone again. And it makes him angry and sad and bitter to no end, because doesn’t he deserve to find happiness again? It’s fucked up for him to think his only shot at love was Mina when she clearly didn’t think the same about him anymore. 

God, she really fucked him up.

______

It’s a Friday and he’s at a kickback party, too drunk to think straight. It’s also one of the reasons why he follows Jaemin to a room and closes the door behind them, spotting a few familiar faces — Johnny, Jaehyun, Donghyuck and Mingyu — surrounding the bathroom’s sink. He doesn’t even need to look at what’s on the black marble sink, he knows it’s coke.

Jaemin, who is obviously on LSD, entwines their fingers and smiles at him. Mark hates everything about this moment, especially the pink LED light coming from the ceiling, painting Jaemin’s skin into something almost obscene, because who looks like that? If he stepped into a church, it would come crumbling down. So he lets Jaemin drag him to that bathroom, watches as everyone welcomes him with smiles plastered on their faces, all of them on their second or third lines of the night already. 

“Mark said he wanted to try.”

He did say it once, weeks ago, and he is still curious about it, but he wasn’t expecting it to be tonight. He is conscious enough to make a decision, he knows that even in the deplorable state Jaemin is right now he would never force anything into Mark. 

He watches all of them snorting and the change in the atmosphere, how everyone becomes more restless, chatty or, in Jaemin’s case, more agitated. Johnny looks at Mark with eyebrows raised as if questioning whether he wants to proceed or not; Mark shrugs and steps ahead, noticing that Jaehyun distributed more lines for them and left one for him, and Donghyuck is the one to pass him a rolled up bill (the one he used) and the boy also guides him through it, with his hand on his lower back.

“Bend down and inhale it all at once.”

His eyes are shining with something Mark can’t name, but it’s not simply a side effect of the drug, and the hand on his back burns him through the t-shirt. Without any more hesitation, Mark bends down and inhales it, almost losing his footing when he stands up abruptly, but Donghyuck _(at least, that’s who Mark thinks it is)_ holds his arm. He waits a few seconds and it finally hits him, he feels his blood rush inside his veins and his brain reaching a state of euphoria. For a few seconds he feels like he’s capable of anything. When he looks beside him, Donghyuck is grinning at him, and Mark is so, so—

_“Let’s go dance!”_

Jaemin pushes him out of the room and drags him to the dance floor, Mark trying his best not to trip on his own feet, everything spinning and the colorful lights driving him mad. He has no idea why but he’s laughing like a madman and Jaemin is jumping up and down, his eyes shining and his smile blinding everyone around him. They dance until they can’t stand anymore, until Mark is sure the effect is finally leaving his body, and until Jaemin decides that Mark is more interesting than another line.

When they’re done and Mark has safely sent Jaemin home, he decides that it’s time to leave — it’s four in the morning, Renjun and Jeno left an hour ago, while Mark was being blown by Jaemin. It just so happens that last night’s party was at Mingyu’s, and he lives in the same gated community as Johnny and Jaehyun, so Mark is familiarized with the place, and it’s not so far from home, so he decides he can just walk. He’s going down the street and staring at the sky, it’s almost dawn, his favorite time of the day. That’s when he notices someone lying down in the middle of the street. No, not _anyone_ , Donghyuck, of all people.

_“I don’t think he likes his home.”_

He doesn’t even think about it before he’s walking towards the boy and falling down right next to him, staring at the sky. _It’s beautiful._ Donghyuck doesn’t acknowledge him and everything is so quiet, the air a bit cold but not enough for him to shudder. It’s peaceful.

“Mark Lee.” Donghyuck says after a few minutes, the name rolling tentatively on his tongue. “Took care of Na?”

He snorts. “Of course.”

“That’s good. I worry about him sometimes.”

“Me too.” Mark turns his head to glance at him, breath almost getting caught on this throat. “Why is it that it’s always the two of us talking about Jaemin after a party?”

“Beats me. Guess we’re both used to looking out for him ‘n shit.”

“True. It’s a part time job.”

“With no pay.” A smirk appears on his face as he glances at Mark. “Well, _some of us_ don’t get paid for it.”

Mark laughs at that, with his whole chest. He wasn’t sure if it was clear that he and Jaemin get each other sometimes, but looks like it.

“What? You’re telling me you never fucked him?”

“Nope, I sure did, once or twice, _whatever_. Not anymore.”

“Got you.”

Donghyuck fiddles with his jacket, looking for something; a pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

“Wanna share?”

Mark mumbles a _‘sure’_ and watches as Hyuck takes a drag and then hands it to him. For a while all they do is smoke in silence, and it shouldn’t but it’s nice. Really nice.

“Why are you here?”

“Can’t I?”

Hyuck rolls his eyes, “‘Course you can, I don’t own the streets.”

“Then?”

“Just asking, dude.”

“Can’t I make you company?”

“Why would you?”

“Don’t know, don’t care. Just felt like it.”

“Oh.” He furrows his brows as he thinks about something, then he looks at Mark, eyes searching. “I'm not sleeping with you.”

Mark chokes on the smoke, sitting down while he coughs his lungs out.

“ _What?”_ He coughs even more, eyes widening. “For fuck’s sake! I don’t want sex! Oh my fucking God, what the fuck? I’m sorry if I made it look like-”

He stops talking when Donghyuck doubles in laughter, his hand hitting the pavement as the other clutches his stomach. “Fuck, you’re so innocent! Dude, I’m just playing!”

Mark pushes his shoulder, watching Hyuck fall back to the floor, still laughing. Although he tries to be mad, he can’t hold his own laughter inside.

“You’re such an asshole, do you know that?! I was about to kiss your feet or something, fuck’s sake, don’t do that!”

With a deep breath, Hyuck stops laughing, still smiling, and wiped away the tears from his face. “Sorry, ‘kay? You’re just easy to mess with. Don’t worry, I know you’re not being nice for sex, but your face was priceless.”

“Can’t believe I considered being friends with you…”

“Oi! You did?! That’s nice of you.”

He rolls his eyes, stiffening when Hyuck packs him on the back, but it’s mostly for show. “Forget about it.”

“Come on now, babe, _don’t you… forget about meee…_ ”

Mark crunches his nose, “Are you singing the song from _The Breakfast Club_?!”

Donghyuck laughs, so beautiful and carefree, and then stands up, offering his hands to Mark.

“You caught me, baby face.”

He pulls Mark up, one arm circling his shoulder, like they’re old friends. In the back of his mind he’s thinking that he could easily get used to this.

“To mine?”

Donghyuck almost looks relieved at the offer. “Yeah. To yours.”

______  
  


Donghyuck is warm. 

When he’s laying beside Mark, when they’re sitting in front of each other with their legs crossed, when they’re at the balcony watching the city and the stars, when they’re sharing cigarettes, when they’re watching the sun rise, when they’re stealing glances; he shines like the goddam sun, looking at him hurts but it hurts even more to look away from him. 

Mark watches as Donghyuck paints his monotone days into a kaleidoscope of colors, hitting Mark like a summer rain, and he can only feel it. He came into his life like Summer after a long Winter and an endless Autumn, like a breeze of fresh air, like breath coming into his lungs after drowning for so long. 

Donghyuck is goddamn August, a sign from the above about new beginnings in the form of loud laughter, honey skin, angelic voice, bottles of wine, smoke and strawberries.

His routine revolves around classes, meeting his friends, studying at home, partying and Donghyuck. He’s different from Jaemin and Jungwoo, they don’t kiss, let alone have sex, but Mark feels like he’s more intimate with Donghyuck than with anyone else.

“How many times can people have sex without getting tired? For fuck’s sake.” Donghyuck mumbles while crawling on his bed. “You’d think Jeno and Renjun would be bored by now, but nope.”

Mark frowns, “The walls are soundproof.”

That’s exactly why Mark made sure to get this apartment, he knew what would be waiting for him when he moved in with Jeno.

“Oh, I noticed.” Donghyuck props his face on his hand so he can look at Mark. “ _However_ , your kitchen is not.”

He feels his face scrunch in disgust, “Fuck, no! God, they never learn!”

Donghyuck’s laughter fills the room, his face muffled by the pillow as he shudders. “I am traumatized for life, fuck. It’s like the time I walked into my mother and stepfather having sex.”

“You’ve done that?!”

“Not because I wanted to!” Hyuck raises his eyebrows dramatically. “Their house in Jeju only has doors in the bathrooms, otherwise, no doors. And I mean… _No. Doors._ ”

“And they don’t hold back at all when you’re there?”

“Okay, in their defense, I was twelve and they thought I was sleeping. They’re not into exhibisionism, alright?”

“The fact that your mind even goes there—”

“Oh, and your mind didn’t!”

“Of course not, I’m normal!”

“Fuck off, Mark Lee.”

It’s silent for a few seconds and then they’re both laughing like it was the funniest thing on Earth. There’s a content smile on his lips as he watches Donghyuck light a blunt, ignoring his own statement about _‘sleeping earlier and shit’._

As always, they share it, quietly enjoying the moment. Mark never really considered the idea of Donghyuck becoming familiar, but alas, here he is, a constant in his life for the past month. It’s not bad, it’s actually the opposite, but it still amazes him somehow.

“I have to meet Jaemin first thing in the morning.” The boy sighs. “Let’s hope he’s not high this time.”

Jaemin has good and bad days like everyone, but lately he’s been having only bad days, and no one really knows how to help him. It’s sickening, really, all of them watching him drift away, not knowing how to reach out. They try, they really do, they fill his days with healthy gatherings where they go to cafés, they have sleepovers during the weekdays, always me sure to drag him places, so then he won’t be left alone and run to what he’s always known: addiction.

Mark worries, and when Donghyuck is not sleeping over he tells Jaemin to come. Fuck, even when Hyuck is there, they all gather around the living room and slew together. Renjun tells him that soon he will snap out of it and go back to his normal self _(as in: only snorting coke and getting high at parties)_ but Mark can’t help but wonder — what if he doesn’t?

“He’ll be alright.” Donghyuck says, noticing how tense Mark is. “You really care about him, don’t you?”

“Of course. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t be so uptight when it comes to him, but who knows what he would do, you know?”

There’s a tight smile on Hyuck’s lips as he stares at Mark, his eyes filled with something he can’t name. “You shouldn’t carry the weight of other people’s problems on your shoulders.”

“I don’t mean to.”

“I know, but still. Sometimes people are bound to deal with the consequences of their own actions.”

And Mark understands that, he truly does, and he knows Donghyuck is right, but he thinks about how he is able to help Jaemin, most of the time, and how it makes him feel worth something. It’s fucked up, it really is, but Mark was always picking up the pieces, either his own or someone else’s, and bad habits die hard.

“I don’t want him, or anyone I care about, to get hurt.”

“I know how that feels.”

They both sigh and go back to a comfortable silence, each lost in their own head. Mark tells himself that Jaemin will be fine, he’s just having bad days, and soon he’ll be back to normal. It’s okay. He really can’t spend his life worrying about someone other than himself.

“I don’t wanna talk about Jaemin.”

There’s a smile playing on soft lips, directed only at him.

“What d’you wanna talk about?”

Mark blushes, _fucking great!_ But he tells himself it’s only because Donghyuck’s gaze is defiant, like he is daring Mark to ask him something. Their friendship _(can he call it that?)_ is unknown territory; Donghyuck comes and goes as he pleases, twirling Mark around to the sound of a melancholic yet beautiful melody, and they are only together in moments like this, when it’s the two of them, because most of the time Donghyuck is running around making everyone laugh and fall for his charm and easy chat; their moments are always during twilight, when everything is quiet and the world is asleep, as they’re lying in the middle of the street or at someone’s rooftop; they never trade secrets, never talk about their own lives, never really open up about the things that matter; so Mark wants to ask, he always does, but then the boy gives him that look and he gives up trying, not wanting to make a fool of himself or say the wrong thing and watch him leave. 

“I can _hear_ you thinking.” To his surprise, Hyuck gives him a reassuring smile. “You’re not as subtle as you think.”

“What? I don’t want to meddle.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“You never know.”

Donghyuck falls on his back, staring pointedly at him. “Ask me.”

“Ask you what?”

And Mark is not dumb, he knows what the boy is implying, he is just being stupid right now.

“Whatever you want.”

Mark groans, eyes tightly closed. 

_Fine!_

“Why don’t you like sleeping at your own house?” There’s a beat of silence that probably doesn’t mean anything, but Mark is quick to trip over his own words, “You don’t need to answer, sorry, it’s just… I don’t know, I’m curious!”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes, but he’s serious. “I don’t do _‘alone’_ very well.”

And yes, Mark noticed, he just wants to understand; there are many reasons why someone would hate being alone, so what are his?

As if reading his mind, “My mom is away and I never really had a dad, so… my grandfather is always there though, but he’s too busy. So I’ve always been alone, nearly raised myself.”

Mark is propped on his elbow and staring at the beautiful boy beside him. He’s starting to see a different side of him, not fully —Hyuck won’t open up that easily— but the progress is there. In the back of his mind he’s wondering when did he start thinking about progress and unravelling truths, but perhaps he knows.

“You’ve done a great job then.”

The boy snorts, “Sure.”

“Have I ever lied to you?”

“We’ve known each other for a month.”

“Doesn’t matter. Have I?”

Donghyuck rolls his eyes for the nth time, but mumbles _‘no’_. And that’s that; Mark gets under the covers with a grin on his lips, almost sighing in contentment once Donghyuck moves closer. 

And maybe Mark is being too naive for his own good, but he can’t help but start feeling like the warmth that emanates from Donghyuck is something he won’t be able to go without —it’s comforting and it reminds him of something he hasn’t felt in a long time, it brings him back to a time in his life when he didn’t feel lonely and empty because he had someone to keep him warm and fulfilled. But Donghyuck is not Mina, he is much warmer, careless and wild, and Mark is fascinated by him. Mina was a gift from the universe, something he thought was the right person at the wrong time, but now he’s not so sure about that. It’s scary thinking about it and even scarier to accept it. 

His thoughts dissolve into thin air when he feels Hyuck’s hand caressing his closed eyes, his index finger caressing the tip of his nose. “Stop thinking. Sleep.”

And for the first time in a long time, it’s that easy to fall asleep.

  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

______

The red light inside his room makes him feel empty. He could easily switch the color or maybe turn it off, but he doesn’t. The emptiness echoes inside of him while a melancholic song plays as he tries to understand from where exactly that feeling comes from. Seems like all Mark’s been trying to do for the past few months is understand whatever is going on inside his mind, yet he never does.

But as time passes, day by day, there are a few things that he’s sure of, like the way Donghyuck—who was once a mysterious stranger—has become a constant in his life. He thinks that the boy finds solace in his company, which is proven every night when the boy slips into Mark’s bed, seeking for his warmth. Between nights where Donghyuck needed somewhere to crash and days spent together, Mark also began to find comfort in the boy, to a point where emptiness takes over him when Hyuck isn’t there to push back the negative thoughts.

The fact that he’s awake at three in the morning feeling like a loser shows that he always falls into the same habits: depending on others to fill a permanent void. He did that with Mina, tried so hard to hold on to her because she was the only good thing in his life, the thing that made him feel alive. Then she left, never looking back and he completely lost track. He should move on but where would he go? Mark had built his whole life around that person, how could he just get up and leave? A secret no one tells you is that you can, in fact, get up and leave—but you’re taught very early on that you can make it work if you really love that person. In movies you rarely see someone breaking up and actually moving on, they always go back to the people they were with after a miraculous change in personality and behavior. What about the relationships that are supposed to end? The ones where you start to resent the person next to you, to a point you can’t even recognize them or yourself anymore? And what about the relationships where you love someone so much but it still isn’t enough? 

What about being by yourself? 

Or the people who can’t get emotionally attached because they’re too afraid of screwing it up and repeating past mistakes? 

What about being so hurt by the person you loved that you can’t see yourself in a relationship ever again, because you fear thrusting and loving someone so much and then having to deal with another heartache? 

And what about the fear of never finding someone else again and ending up alone?

Sometimes, just sometimes, he wishes he could silence his mind. 

______

He’s walking around campus when someone calls his name.

“Mark Lee!”

He stops on his track and turns around, watching Donghyuck run towards him, beaming like he’s happy to see the older.

“How are you?!”

“I’m fine. How are you?”

Donghyuck’s arm has a permanent spot around Mark’s shoulders, and he tugs the older through campus as he talks about their break.

“I’m great! I talked to my mom a lot this weekend, she told me she wants us to go visit Jeju. My grandpa built a cottage near my mother’s property so we could visit them sometimes.”

“Why not stay with your mother?”

“Oh, I do. I think it was just an excuse to build me a house, you know?”

“Got it.”

They get inside a café called Moonlight, their favorite spot, and sit in one of the booths. Someone comes to take their orders and Donghyuck takes out his iPad, searching for something online.

“What are you doing?”

He wiggles his eyebrows at Mark and giggles, turning the screen so he can see that he’s on Pinterest.

“Why are you searching for _cottage core_ inspiration?”

The boy sighs, looking back at the screen, eyebrows furrowed, “I need to come up with a short film, he gave us two months. So I figured I might as well get out of my comfort zone, maybe try something chill and good vibes, you know?”

“Who are you?”

Donghyuck laughs, “I’m trying to work with what I have! We could go to Jeju Island for that.”

“You could pull a twist.”

The boy’s eyes shine at that.

“I could.”

They share a smile that carries mischief and Mark tries to pretend that his stomach isn’t doing flips inside his body.

“Tell me more about it then.”

“It needs to have a plot, obviously, but he gave us freedom to do whatever we want. He says it doesn’t need to be filled with talking or anything, so I might just go with it and do something like _‘a silent coming of age’_ or whatever.”

“I’m sure it will be good.”

“I hope so. Anyway, I was wondering if you could help me with it. I asked Renjun too.”

“What can I do?”

“You’re a Music Producer major, right? I heard you’re also a great singer and can play instruments.”

“I can.”

The boy smiles, looking up at him with hope in those honey eyes. He could ask anything and Mark would say yes.

“Can you help me write some songs and then record it?”

“Sure, I’d love to!”

He likes that Hyuck came to him for help and that they will be working together. And there’s also the whole spending their break together, which shouldn’t make him feel giddy but it does.

“I also asked Jaemin to star in it, if it turns out the way I want it to.”

“ _Ohh_. So you already know what you’re doing?”

“Not really, but kinda.” Donghyuck rolls his eyes when Mark raises an eyebrow. “I mean… I have a concept but I don’t know if it’s the one I’m going with. Or if I’d be able to pull it off, you know?”

“Well… we’ll be together, right? All of us. So you could do something based on friendship or whatever. You could also start shooting at parties, might as well use that.”

Donghyuck falls silent, thinking about his suggestion, and that’s when their order arrives.

“That’s not a bad idea… Fuck. I have so much going on inside my mind.”

“Write it all down and try making sense of it later.”

As they eat and chat, Mark notices that Hyuck looks different today. He seems happy, which is a nice change. It’s not that he looks unhappy everyday, he just seems distant. So it’s nice to see him like this, even nicer when he smiles brightly and laughs at something Mark says. 

_Beautiful, as always_.

They’re walking through Hongdae now, looking for the pub where everyone is waiting for them. He likes this place so much—the people dancing, the crowd, all the songs playing at the same time. He watches as Donghyuck points at random stores or busking artists, he looks so happy that it aches Mark’s chest. He wants to ask why, he really does, but he fears that happiness might be swept aside if he brings it up. So he just goes along with it, laughing at the funny remarks and enjoying the moment as the sun goes down.

“I’d like to go busking; I’m a pretty good dancer.”

“Really?”

“Don’t sound so surprised! I have dance class with Jaemin and Jisung at Taeyong’s studio.”

“Jisung?”

“Yeah, you gotta meet him sometime! He’s a great dancer, but he’s younger than us and doesn’t really go to parties.”

“You should invite him to Jeju.”

“I will!” Donghyuck jumps, still smiling. “And Renjun’s going to invite Chenle.”

“The green haired guy?”

“Yeah. But his hair is brown now.”

“Got it.”

They make it to _Cocky Pub Hongdae_ at their own pace, being received with cheers from their already tipsy friends, and they obviously waste no time. They’re celebrating the last week of exams as if there isn’t a party planned already for the end of the semester. It’s nice though, only the closest people from their circle, everyone happy and just drinking. Mark laughs at something Jaemin says, relieved when he notices that he’s just drunk and not drugged, which is a nice change. It’s almost like he walked into an alternative universe today, with a happy Donghyuck and a clean Jaemin. But he likes it this way, knowing full well it might not last.

“I heard your mom is starring at a new movie.” Mark says to Jaemin, watching the boy eat some fries. “That’s nice.”

“Yeah, I guess. She likes acting so she seems excited.”

“It’s her first movie after Train to Busan, right? That was _intense_.”

The boy chuckles, “I do love that movie. I went to the set.”

“You did?!”

“It was awesome, babe! I watched people being transformed into zombies, and let me tell you, people don’t give enough credit to professional makeup artists who work in sets, you know?”

The boy keeps talking about everything, constantly making everyone laugh. Sometimes Mark catches Donghyuck’s gaze, unused to how far away the boy feels right now, although he’s participating in the conversation and laughing with them. It’s Mark who seems to be having an out of body experience right now, watching his friends in perfect harmony, outside of a party and blinding neon lights. Mark is thinking how fast everything changed in the past six months of his life, how he isn’t the same person he was back then, and how that is a good thing. He swore that he wouldn’t survive that heartbreak but here he is, surrounded by people who care about him for some odd reason and who have done everything they possibly could to lessen his pain.

It’s two in the morning when they get out of the pub, waiting for a cab, and they decide that Jaemin and Donghyuck are going to sleep over again. But Donghyuck has something else in mind as he glances at Mark, as if daring him to ask what he’s up to.

And of course, Mark relents.

“Where are you going?”

The three boys already hopped inside a cab and now the two of them are waiting with Johnny and Jaehyun. Donghyuck turns around as if shielding other people from their conversation; he tilts his head and looks up at Mark, a smile tugging in the corners of his lips.

“Wanna go to Han River?”

“Now?”

“Obviously.”

Mark is tired, he’s been studying like a madman and working on his end of the semester projects—it was fun being with his friends and losing tension, but he really wants to go home and sleep—but _Donghyuck_ , with his bright honey eyes, plump lips and pink cheeks, subtly asking Mark to keep him company when he could ask anyone else. 

Mark is weak— _so weak_ —and Donghyuck shines under the streetlights. So before he can finish his line of thought, he finds himself nodding and bidding goodbye to their friends, noticing how pleased the younger looks.

They walk side by side in comfortable silence, neither of them feeling the need to fill up the silence with empty words, and Mark realizes he likes it. He’s realizing many things lately. When they arrive, he watches as Donghyuck picks a bench for them to sit and they watch the lights from the bridge, feeling the cold breeze against their skin. They’re practically glued together for warmth but it doesn’t seem to bother Donghyuck. In fact, he still looks at ease, and Mark can no longer hold back the thoughts in his head.

“You seem happy.”

He expected the boy to close himself off, but surprisingly, he smiles. “Do I?”

“Well, as happy as I’ve ever seen you.”

Mark is not even trying to get an answer, he simply wants to let the boy know that he noticed, as if that will make any difference in the boy’s life.

But today isn’t like any other day, and he’s taken aback once again when Hyuck actually starts talking to him.

“I talked to my mom. We always text and stuff, but today we FaceTimed after my dance class; we talked for two hours, she is so excited about the idea of everyone visiting. It’s been a long time since I felt this excited for something.”

“That’s good, Hyuck. You deserve to feel that way.”

Surprise crosses the boy’s face, as if no one has ever told him something like this before. Could it be? Maybe Mark is thinking too much.

“You think so?”

“I know so.”

It’s silent for a few seconds, Donghyuck looking like he’s at war with himself. It’s odd how easily Mark can read him now.

“Well… you too.” It sounds almost like a question because of how uncertain the boy is, except somehow Mark knows he means it. “How is your relationship with your parents?”

And okay, he wasn’t expecting that—or anything that happened on this weird ass day. Maybe it’s a glitch from the universe and he entered an alternate dimension. _(_ Or _maybe_ he is spending too much time with Renjun.)

“It’s good, they’re really great.”

“You never talk about them.”

“You never talk about yours either.”

“True. But in my case, there isn’t much to tell, so…”

Mark nods, looking for the right way to talk about his parents. He’s been ghosting them for some time now, but they still talk sporadically. He’s just being stupid and trying to prove a point that he can be someone without his ex and that he didn’t reach rock bottom when she left him.

“When my ex broke up with me, it looked like they were waiting for the moment where I would completely lose my shit, you know? I was sad, and having a history with anxiety and depression didn’t help either, but it was as if they thought I was going to explode or something like that.”

“You didn’t though.”

He smiles but it barely reaches his eyes, “But they weren’t wrong, you know? There were days where I wouldn’t stop crying, it literally felt like a family member had died. I was so ashamed of the person I had become.”

“Why?”

“It wasn’t supposed to be like that. Three days before we broke up we were talking about having a house by the beach, it felt like we were becoming _‘us’_ again, but I was clearly wrong. You date someone for so long and then they just shut you off.”

He should be letting go of these feelings but no, he’s definitely still pissed about it.

And Donghyuck, who always talks his ears off, remains silent as he watches Mark spill his feelings out. It’s nothing Renjun and Jeno have not heard, but it feels good to talk about it, because he’s not ashamed of Donghyuck—he doesn’t mind letting the boy know he’s hurting even though he’s healing.

“Sorry. It’s just— _ugh_ , it frustrates me to no end. I loved her so much, Hyuck, but it’s true when people say that _love_ isn’t enough; neither is living for someone else. I think it was for the best, that we should learn how to live for ourselves and go after what we want. But I also think things could have been handled better.”

But you know… everyone handles pain in a different way, just because I don’t understand why she acted the way she did doesn’t mean she didn’t care about me. It’s not like I acted like a normal person would either.”

_We both could have handled it better._

As he’s basking in the moment, replaying inside his head all the words that left his mouth, Donghyuck lights a cigarette and hands it to him, like he always does, and it’s like Mark said something as trivial as _‘the sky is blue’_.

“Sounds like a bitch.”

Mark laughs with his whole chest, “No! She’s… not. Okay? She’s a good person, trust me.”

He wouldn’t have dated her for so long if she wasn’t one of the coolest girls he’s ever seen, but of course it won’t look like it when he whines about their break up.

“I get it. It might not come as a surprise but I’m not the best at advice and comforting words, but I know that it will pass. You need time to heal and you shouldn’t be ashamed of that. It’s a shame that things ended the way they did, but you don’t deserve to be caught up on that.”

“She probably hates me.”

“I doubt it, but if she does then who cares? Certainly not your friends, not me and not you. Know your truth, Mark, and stand by it. So you made mistakes and said things you didn’t mean—that’s terrible but it happens. Only the universe knows how many hurtful things I’ve said and wish I could take back but can’t! What you _can_ do is accept it and forgive yourself for the person you were. Sometimes the only way to truly forgive someone is to forgive yourself first.”

He stares at Donghyuck for too long, enough to notice the boy slightly blushing, but he can’t help it—Donghyuck is just… _everything_.

Stupefied, he can’t find the right words to say, so he just mumbles, “And you just said you’re shit at advising.”

It earns him a giggle, “Don’t tell anyone.”

He watches as the boy smokes, how his lips wrap around the cigarette, how it lets the smoke out. 

“But to answer the original question… my parents are great. I’m just not the greatest son right now.”

“We gotta give them hell eventually, it’s part of the growing up experience.”

“I guess?”

“Except you’re too good for that, aren’t you? You look like a goody-two-shoes who has played by the rules his whole life.”

“Maybe.”

Mark is blushing and of course Donghyuck notices, a soft smile forming on his lips, “It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I know that, it’s just that sometimes I wish I had lived more.”

“I’ve seen you snorting coke twice now, Mark. I think you’re making up for the lost years.”

“Well, yeah. But would I be doing that if I was still with Mina? Probably not. In fact, I wouldn’t be here if we were still together.”

“I’m glad she broke up with you then.”

Had Hyuck said that four months ago, Mark would get pissed— _how dare someone not see me with Mina?!_ —but surprisingly, he notices that, in a way, he too is happy that they broke up.

“Something good was bound to come out of that.”

“Many good things will come out of that, just wait for it.”

_“And if there’s a reason I’m by her side when so many have tried…”_ He sings, his smile growing when the boy rolls his eyes. “... _then I’m willing to wait for it.”_

“Dude, you better not quote Hamilton unless you want me to fall in love with ya.”

And he thinks that _maybe…_

“Come on, enough with all the talking.” Donghyuck gets up and reaches for his hands so he can pull Mark with him. “I know you want to sleep, so let’s not waste more time here.”

He shrugs, matching his steps with Hyuck’s, “It wasn’t a waste of my time.”

Donghyuck tries to hide a smile but Mark notices, he always does, keeping them inside his heart.

“Mine neither.”

______

It was a week later and the last day of classes before their break was uneventful, but everyone was getting ready for the End of Term Party, since _that_ was going to be wild. The Student Council decided to rent a place where they could hold the party without any responsible adult meddling in, and it turned out that Johnny’s family was out of town and suggested they hold the party there. 

“Your father is cool with it?” Mark asked two days ago, when they were sitting at a café. 

“It’s his least favorite house.” Jaehyun pitches in, shrugging. “I don’t think he even remembers what it looks like.”

Johnny smiles at the guy, a little too endeared, “Yeah, we’re good.”

So now Mark is standing by his mirror, trying to adjust his look—the one Donghyuck picked for him. He feels weird today, worried. Jaemin wasn’t at SMU and hasn’t answered anybody’s texts. Renjun thinks that he might be spending some time with his mother, but Mark knows he would text back. 

He tries to shove the negative thoughts so he can focus on what’s waiting for them. As they get into Jeno’s car, Mark pulls his phone out and sends a text to Jaemin that says _‘i’ll meet u at the party???’_

No reply.

It’s no surprise that Johnny’s house is a fucking mansion, with spotlights all around it as if it wasn’t noticeable by its own. There’s people around already and he watches as Renjun grabs Jeno’s hand and pulls him inside.

He yells _“Thanks guys!”_ but his friends only laugh at him. He’s finally able to reach the kitchen after having to make conversation with random people who know his name, and he almost lets out a sigh when he spots Johnny, Jaehyun, Yukhei and Hendery.

The first two aren’t even hiding the coke anymore, it’s a party with rich kids, everyone is probably carrying their own. 

“Fuck, your nose is probably damaged from how much you snort.”

Yukhei laughs at Mark, his arms around his boyfriend’s waist, hand caressing his hip; Hendery looks tipsy already, and if Mark recalls correctly he is a lightweight, but he has Yukhei to gaze sweetly at him all night, so he’s safe. Mark accepts the booze Jaehyun gives him and the blunt, joking about how he saved it all for Mark tonight. Jaehyun is always either smoking weed or snorting lines of coke, chugging bottles of vodka and hooking up with Johnny. Mark wonders when they will become serious, if they’re not already. He never really knows when it comes to them.

As if to prove his point, Jaehyun wraps an arm around Johnny’s neck and pulls him down for a kiss, and that’s when Mark decides to turn around and leave. They like to put on a show and he is too grossed out for it.

_Does that sound homophobic?_

_Jeez, dude. You’re gay as well._

He searches around, trying to spot Jaemin or Donghyuck, but he spots Yuta instead, and decides to go join him. He spots his best friends again, and Sicheng introduces him to a guy called YangYang, and they form a closed circle. It’s two hours into the party when he finally spots Donghyuck, looking like fucking sin wearing a half buttoned silky shirt that makes his skin look like the fucking sun. Mark wonders if Donghyuck tastes like honey. 

But they barely talk since Hyuck seems to be busy with other boys and Mark is not even thinking about moving. He drinks whatever Yuta offers him, smokes what Jeno hands to him and laughs at his friends. He plays beer pong, he kisses Jungwoo and some pretty girl, he takes selfies and maybe spills beer at someone. There are people jumping inside the pool, stripping naked or wearing bathing suits and no one seems to care at all. He refuses the lines of coke offered to him and stops smoking around 1am, then watches as Jeno and Renjun go upstairs to fuck and decides that he should go sit by the pool. There’s a really comfy sofa there and that’s where he stays.

And of course, that’s when he feels something cold against his nape. When he turns around, Donghyuck is staring back at him with a grin and a bottle of beer.

“Mind if I sit?”

“Not at all.”

There’s space for two and Mark is relieved that he won’t be sitting by himself—or maybe he’s just happy Donghyuck finally graced him with his company. 

“You look good.” He blurs out, feeling heat creeping into his cheeks. “I mean-”

“Thanks, Lee.” The boy smiles softly but honest, a different smile then the one on his face throughout the whole night. “Why are you sitting by yourself?”

“My friends are all hooking up somewhere in this huge house.”

“Can this even be called a house? It’s empty, mister Suh doesn’t even remember this place exists.”

“It is a house, just not a home.”

Donghyuck smiles more, “You’re so smart, Mark Lee. And deep.”

“That’s literally what you were trying to say, but okay.”

He watches as the boy smiles and rests against the sofa, his head leaning on his shoulder. It’s warm.

“Remember last week when you said I was happy?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not anymore.”

Mark feels something pulling in his chest, he wants to hold Donghyuck and protect him from the world. Instead, he simply lets the boy rest his head on his shoulder.

“What happened?”

“I don’t…” He sighs, deflating. “Not today.”

Sometimes, when Donghyuck doesn’t want to talk about something, he will tell Mark to leave it for another day and then they won’t talk about it—Mina did that a lot, always pushing everything aside and ignoring it, just hoping Mark would forget about it, which he didn’t, though he wouldn’t mention it again.

But he knows that, just like his ex, his friend has a reason, whatever it is, so he lets Donghyuck not talk about it while hoping that the boy knows he’s there for him.

“Okay. But if it gets too much, you know I’m here, right?”

Donghyuck looks up, eyes bright as he stares at Mark, and they’re so close that Hyuck’s breath falls against his shoulder and neck. _Fuck_.

“I know. Thank you.”

Mark is not sure what would happen if his phone didn’t ring and startled both of them. He blindly accepts the call.

“Hello?”

_“Hello? Is this Mark?”_

He doesn’t know the voice but his face might be weird because Donghyuck straightens up.

“Yeah. Who is this?”

_“Sorry, my name is Jieun. I found your friend, I don’t know his name though.”_

His blood runs cold as he looks at the screen and sees _Jaemin_ written on it.

“Where are you?”

“In Hongdae, outside a club. Look, you were on his emergency contacts along his mother, I don’t think calling her is a good a ideia. Can you-”

“Yes! Can you send me the address? I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

He’s walking as fast as possible, his head rushing with horrible thoughts. _Jaemin, Jaemin, Jaemin. Not answering his texts the whole day. Missing. Jaemin. Fuck. Be okay. I’m coming, I’m coming, I’m-_

“Mark!” Donghyuck yanks him, trying to get his attention. “Here, have Johnny’s car.” He hands him the keys to the Range Rover, looking at him with worry. “I’ll meet you at your place.”

He nods although he can barely make sense of whatever it’s being said to him. He tells Jieun that he’ll be there as soon as possible and begs her to stay by his side.

By the time he arrives, it’s 3am and he spots them right away. The girl is sitting by the curve with Jaemin by her arms, her friends —two girls— trying to help her hold him. Mark doesn’t even turn off the car, jumping from it and running towards them, his heart on his throat.

_Be okay. Be okay. Be okay._

“Jaemin!”

Jieun looks relieved when she sees Mark, clearly worried. They help him take Jaemin to the backseat, all of them taking at the same time from how anxious they are.

“He was passed out in the VIP section.”

“These people older than all of us were trying to touch him, the only reason they didn’t is because we got to him first.”

“I asked my guy friends to help me bring him outside, he was still conscious, I swear!”

“We tried to keep him awake but he passed out five minutes ago, we don’t know what to do!”

His head is spinning and he’s angry at Jaemin for doing shit like this and even angrier at himself for not searching for him earlier.

“Guys, guys! I’ll take him to the hospital, okay? Thank you so much, really, I don’t know how I can thank you.”

“You don’t have to.” Jieun says. “But can you contact me when he’s better? Please?”

“Yeah.”  
  


He pays for the private room at the hospital and leaves a fat tip so Jaemin’s name won’t leak to the press. He sits by his friend’s side, attently watching him. The doctor said he should wake up soon so Mark is waiting, his heart almost bursting through his chest. He doesn’t check his phone but he knows there are many messages, yet he can’t find the strength to read them. What would he tell their friends? He doesn’t know how Jaemin is.

_“Alcoholic coma.”_ The Doctor had said, connecting him to an IV. _“He will be fine, but with the amount of drugs and alcohol in his system… he’s lucky he didn’t overdose.”_

Overdose. 

Mark wonders what would have happened if he did. He wonders what would have happened if those three girls hadn’t found him and saved him from those creepy men. He shouldn’t be thinking about something like this but he can’t help it.

He’s so tense he feels like he might explode at any moment, like he’s holding on to any sense of stability otherwise he might throw a chair through a glass window.

And that’s when Jaemin groans, at exactly 5:12am.

“Jaemin?” Mark holds his hand, getting all up in his space before he realizes he will only confuse the boy. “Are you okay?”

“Mark?”

“Yes! Are you okay?!”

“Where…”

“Hospital. You’re at the hospital!”

He helps the boy situate himself by helping him sit down and drink some water. He waits until Jaemin seems aware of his surroundings, watching him lay down again.

“Don’t.”

“Don’t what?”

“Don’t yell at me.”

“I wasn’t going to yell. I can quietly curse at you.”

Jaemin smiles but it doesn’t reach his eyes, and not because he’s tired, “I’m a fuckup.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re better off without me… all of you are.”

“No.”

“You should have left me to die.”

“So dramatic.”

Mark refuses to play into Jaemin’s game, knowing full well that he can’t convince him or simply push him out of the mindset he’s in right now. 

“I’m serious.”

“So am I.” Mark stares at him, finally allowing his frustration to slip. “Jaemin, you have no idea how much everyone was worried about you.”

“They don’t care, I always do this.”

“They do care, they just don’t know how to deal with it.”

“Well, neither do I! And neither should you… just let me fuck everything up without dragging anyone with me.”

Mark snickers, “You’re a fucking dumbass, d’you know that?! You can’t _not_ drag people with you. The things we do have consequences and we’re not the only ones who face it.”

Jaemin grimaces, shutting his eyes tightly and swallowing dry.

“Can we not fight? I’ve already fought with my parents today.”

“Yesterday.”

“Sure.” Jaemin breathes in and out, looking one minute away from falling back at sleep. He holds Mark’s hand and squeezes it. “Do you ever feel like you’re just… standing in the middle of fucking nowhere while everything is falling apart around you? Sometimes I feel so small and insignificant. I’m tired of being so scared all the time.”

“What are you scared of?”

“Wasting away.”

Mark sighs, exhausted. He stares at the boy who’s almost falling asleep and then at the bed. Before he’s even aware of his thoughts, he’s making Jaemin scoot over and laying by his side, noticing that the boy sighs in relief.

“You won’t. And you’re anything but small and insignificant, Jaemin, you couldn’t be even if you tried. But I understand what you’re feeling and I’m sorry for it. I hope you know I’m here for you, we all are.”

When he looks down, he finds tears threatening to fall from the boy’s eyes, and it’s heartbreaking. Mark wishes he could take Jaemin’s pain away. 

But instead, he just holds the boy closer while he sheds silent tears. 

Jaemin refuses to tell his mother about what happened, so he informs his aunt instead. Mark is woken up by her around five in the morning, relief all over her face. Mark excuses himself and leaves, thinking about Johnny’s car and how his phone was turned off.

Instead of turning it on, he drives to his apartment at 5:30am, dragging his body to the elevator. He’s relieved when everyone is asleep instead of awake to flood him with questions. But when he steps into his room, he finds Donghyuck, sitting on his bed wide-eyed. No words are spoken, Mark simply walks towards his bed and falls into Donghyuck’s arms, feeling the boy tighten his hold around him, and it’s so comforting that Mark feels tears threatening to spill. This moment is so similar to the one back at the hospital, but Mark is not broken like Jaemin, he is lost, and Donghyuck is that lighthouse in the middle of the ocean. He should be scared but he feels at ease, like that’s what he had been looking for, and in the back of his mind he’s thinking that there’s a line being crossed between them, a shift in their relationship, but as Donghyuck lays him back down and caresses his hair, he can’t seem to mind.

Since Jaemin needed time to get back on his feet, they decided that Jeju could wait for a few days, which gave them time to do nothing at home. The morning after the whole hospital ordeal, everyone wanted to visit Jaemin, but they went by groups of three or four, and the boy was never alone. They wanted to make Jaemin feel loved and made sure he knew they were there for him, and Mark was really thankful for that. He wouldn’t know how he would feel if his friends didn’t care for the reckless boy, but of course everyone loves him for who he is.

Surprisingly, it was Johnny and Jaehyun who commanded that they shouldn’t have any parties for a while and then the doctor told Jaemin that he should cut back from alcohol— _and drugs_ , but his mother, Seori, only heard half of the truth. Jaemin dreaded the idea of her visiting the hospital, but of course his aunt had to tell her, but she sugarcoated it so much and paid the hospital such a price that it would remain a secret. 

_“She’s a huge deal.”_ Donghyuck shrugged, both of them sitting by the cafeteria, _“She’s using a helicopter to be here and I’m pretty sure only the people treating Jaemin know that she’s here. She’s very private when it comes to Jaemin.”_

He had a brief interaction with Lee Seori. She is a nice woman, Mark really likes her, and she seemed ever so thankful for Mark. Jaemin made sure to send gifts to the three girls that found him and they even visited, befriending him easily. Renjun felt really bad for not being there when Mark left to find Jaemin, but it was misplaced guilt, no one saw it coming and it wasn’t anybody’s fault—not even Jaemin’s. Sometimes bad things happen, that’s how it goes.

Actions and consequences.

_____

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?” Renjun asks Jaemin, “We’ll be at Jeju while you’re in Seoul, it’s not fair!”

“I think it’s for the best, Junnie. But I promise I’ll visit you guys before the break is over.”

Mark is in his room and the door is open. He’s trying to decide what he should take to the trip, remembering Donghyuck’s voice telling him _‘only the essential!’_. The hell did he mean by that, anyway?

He knew about Jaemin not going on the trip with them since he was at the hospital when the decision was made. His mother told him it would be better if he got some rest and behaved, as he was out of control more often than not. Jaemin accepted, promising he would seek a therapist, and then asked his secretary to find one. He could accompany them to Jeju, but he thought it would be best if he kept himself away from alcohol, and staying with his parents would help that.

Everyone was sad because their friend wouldn’t be tagging along, but they understood and hoped he would seek for help, so he wouldn’t endanger himself again.

Someone knocks at his door.

“Hey.” Jaemin leans against the threshold, smiling softly at him. “Packing?”

“Yeah… it’s harder than I thought it would be.”

“You seem to have the essential.”

Mark snickers. _These two with the essential thing, c’mon._

“Will you be okay?”

Jaemin rolls his eyes, walking inside the room and throwing himself in the bed.

“Yes, Mark. It’s only a precaution.”

“I know, but we’ll miss you.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” He sounds somewhat happy, as if he’s just now realizing how loved he is. “I’ll go to Jeju during the last week of break. So… in two weeks.”

“But only if you’re okay with it.”

“Sure, babe. Don’t worry about me.”

_All I do is worry about everything._

As Jaemin keeps talking, Mark hears Donghyuck arrive and soon enough the boy is jumping on top of Jaemin. They’re both really annoying when they want to, but at least they help Mark pack his clothes.

______

Lee Hyori is nice, in a ‘ _badass hippie’_ way. Her husband, Minho, is a great guy as well. They prepared a whole meal for them, so the six boys gather around the kitchen stuffing their tummies like they never had food. She tells them to rest around the living room once they’re done, so they can enjoy the beach party later. 

When they wake up, Donghyuck leads them to his cottage, though ‘cottage’ is an understatement. It’s not as simple as he made it sound, because that’s a whole house. It was certainly his grandfather’s doing, since Miss Lee seems to be content with the simple lifestyle, whereas her father… Well, it looks like Donghyuck took after the two of them.

“We should choose our roommates!”

“Mine is Jeno.” Renjun side-hugs his boyfriend. “ _Obviously._ ”

“I’m with Jisung!” Chenle jumps onto the younger, who almost falls down but manages to hold him. “Looks like the two of you are together!”

Donghyuck glances at him and shrugs. It’s not like they’ve never shared a bed before, they do it nearly every night nowadays. Their room is on the first floor, and the other three rooms are upstairs. Maybe Jaemin would have a room for himself if he was here.

“What are you thinking of?”

Hyuck lays down beside him, eyes scanning his face.

“That Jaemin should be here.”

“Yeah.” He whispers. “Of course you would be thinking that.”

“What does that mean?”

“Nothing. I should shower first.”

“Hyuck.” Mark holds his wrist before he manages to get off the bed. “Say it.”

“It’s nothing, really. Just something I think about sometimes.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Good, because it doesn’t mean anything. I wish he was here too, but it’s good that he’s under the supervision of his parents.”

“Yeah, I know that. But he’s my friend and I wish he was here.”

Something seems to change, if the way Hyuck seems to relax under his grip means anything. With his free hand, he touches Mark’s, as if asking to be let go, and the older complies.

“You’re right. I want him here too, sorry, I’m just—I don’t know.”

“It’s okay. But look, you’re in Jeju with your mom now! Let’s enjoy it together.”

The smile he receives is honest, which relaxes him. 

______

It’s a private party, apparently. They pay to go in and then everything is on the house, which means drinks until the sunrise. Mark let’s Hyuck paint his face with neon paint and does the same to the boy, both of them giggling like idiots. They make their way to the bar, ordering two tequila shots for all of them.

Here is how their first night Jeju Island goes: Mark, ever so brave since his heart got broken, downs two more shots of tequila, accompanied by Donghyuck, his new partner in crime. Two hours into the party, Renjun drags Jeno away, looking like a rabbit in heat. Jisung and Chenle are the widest, playing beer pong with strangers and chasing each other around the water. 

Mark was dancing with Donghyuck, he can clearly remember the feeling of Hyuck’s body against his, how warm he felt and how nice it was to be touched. He remembers Hyuck putting something on his own tongue, but instead of swallowing it he approached Mark, their lips and tongue meeting briefly. He remembers shivering. And then, like it was nothing, Hyuck laughed and winked at him, leading him back to the dance floor and dancing around him. Donghyuck never left his side, never glanced away from him, not even when people tried to talk to him. Maybe Mark was imagining it though, how Hyuck’s eyes bored into his, how there was something behind them, how it looked like Donghyuck could eat him up. 

Definitely making that up.

“Hyuck, don’t!”

It’s currently nearly six in the morning and Donghyuck is holding Mark up, walking towards the water, ready to throw him. He does, but Mark holds on so tightly that they both fall.

“Fuck!” Donghyuck is laughing though, pushing a Mark away when he tries to dunk him. “Mark Fucking Lee! I will destroy you!”

And Mark can’t stop laughing, can’t stop jumping towards Hyuck to bring their bodies closer, can’t stop thinking how beautiful the boy looks with smudged eyeliner, sparkly eyeshadow and neon paint stripes on his cheeks. He’s golden under the sunrise and just as warm.

They stop playing around, going to the opposite side of the beach to watch the sunrise with a bottle of wine that Donghyuck stole from the bar. They sit on the sand, gazing at the view in front of them, side by side.

“It’s really beautiful, isn’t it?” Donghyuck whispers. “When I was little, I used to make my mom and grandpa wake up earlier just so I could see the sunrise. I thought it was magical and it hasn’t changed at all.”

“It hasn’t. It’s so… I don’t think there are words for it, honestly.”

“I never came here with anyone besides them.” It comes out so quietly that Mark thinks he wasn’t supposed to hear it, but the boy continues, “It was always my mom and grandpa. My dad was never in the picture, just appearing when he pleased and leaving the next day.”

“It must have been hard.”

“Mom had it worse. I was too little to understand, but since he was barely ever around, it's like he never even existed.”

He looks at the boy’s profile, his eyes glued to the view in front of them. There is this quote from _Stuck In Love,_ one of his favorite movies, that he was always fascinated by but never really understood the feeling of it— _‘I remember that it hurt. Looking at her hurt.’_

He understands it now, looking at the boy beside him. It hurts to look at Donghyuck, and in his mind people should pay to do so. He’s just so… breathtakingly beautiful. So out of everybody’s reach, like a painting in a museum, because you can stare and appreciate it but not touch.

“Do you miss him? I know you just said he was never really in your life, but…”

“It’s weird. If he came back, I would probably talk to him. I wouldn’t expect anything, but I’d do it. About the missing part, well, I don’t miss _him_ , just the idea of a father, you know? I had my grandpa with me while growing up, but sometimes you want your actual father there. Does that make any sense?”

“Yes, of course it does. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, I’m honestly over it. Like I said, he was never there for me long enough to get used to him.”

But he still sounds sad and Mark hates it. He wishes he could keep the boy smiling and happy, hates the idea of Donghyuck going back to the person he was when they first met. 

“Thank you for watching the sunset with me.” Mark smiles, his hand finding Hyuck’s shoulder and squeezing it. “I really appreciate it.”

“Look at you, all cute and polite.” The boy giggles, knocking their shoulders. “It was really nice though. Thanks for staying with me.”

A voice tells him how he hasn’t felt like this in a while, and another voice tells him it is too soon to feel this way. Yet somehow he has no idea how he is feeling. Donghyuck is nice to be around and lovely to look at, but there’s so much more to him. It’s how Mark knows next to nothing about him and how he feels special when the boy opens up; it’s the way Donghyuck has a soft smile and a soft look on his eyes while looking at him and _only_ at him; how sometimes it looks like he’s too far away, out of everyone’s reach, but still pulling everything towards him; how he looks like a dream Mark never sleeps enough to watch the end of.

Again, Mark tells himself that he shouldn’t be thinking any of this, but he was always a lost cause. He would see every sunset with the boy if he asked him to, not because Mark can’t say _‘no’_ to the people he cares about, but because he really wants to. And to him that’s the scariest part—wanting to be closer to someone, wanting to be seen, hoping to be noticed. When was the last time he felt that? Probably when he met Mina, many years ago, which led to falling in love and heartbreak. She always said that he overthinks too much, but that’s because he’s scared of many things, so how could he not think of every scenario possible? He fears he might like Donghyuck a little too much when he doesn’t even know where they stand friendship-wise. 

But what if he’s just making shit up inside his head? Maybe all he wants is a friend and that’s why he feels this way. He shouldn’t think too much about it, otherwise he will sabotage himself—he’s _great_ at it.

“What are you thinking about?”

Mark chuckles, hoping he doesn’t look constipated, “Honestly? I don’t even know anymore.”

“Huh. I bet you were being all cringey.”

“I’m not cringey!”

“I mean, you kinda are, but that's okay.”

_“How_ am I cringey?”

“You just are, champs.”

_A friend._

_That’s what you want._

_That’s what you got._

“I’m not.” He humbles. “Shut up.”

Donghyuck laughs, shining under the sun, ceasing the fucking day like he just woke up. _Beautiful._

______

The lights in their room aren’t red like in his. They’re the lights from the outside, trees reflecting through the shadows. It’s calming, it really is. He feels jealous of Hyuck’s mother, in a way. She left the big city and now lives between trees and lakes, around half an hour from the city. Whenever he thought about getting married it had to do with walking down an aisle, a big party, an expensive honeymoon, and maybe that’s because of how Mina likes things—as bright as she is. But now, he would just love to settle down and live the cottage life. He wonders what Donghyuck would say if he admitted that out loud.

The boy is lying by his side, smoking a joint, the doors to the back garden are open and the night breeze is refreshing. Mark is high, so high, the whole world is spinning in slow motion, Donghyuck’s scent taking over his senses.

_So close_ , he glances at the boy.

He wonders how it would feel like to caress his skin, but not like a friend, like a— _what?_ A lover? Why would he think that?

_But how would it feel like?_

No. No. _No._

_You asked for a friend._

_If Donghyuck was a lover then you would lose him too._

_But how would it feel like to caress his skin as a lover?_

_“Fuck.”_ He grunts out loud.

Donghyuck turns around to look at him, “What?”

He can’t stand the way the boy looks at him. He’s too weak.

“I thought the world was spinning in slow motion because of the weed.”

There’s a dazed smile on his lips as he glances at Mark with soft eyes, “What’s the reason then?”

And Mark feels like such an idiot, he truly does. He will wake up in the morning and regret every stupid thing he said today, but as he’s looking at Donghyuck through a daze, he can’t help but babble non-sense.

“You are.” He leans in one arm, mirroring Hyuck’s position so they’re face to face, and lets the boy stare at him—from his eyes to his lips. He notices the way Hyuck holds his breath as Mark approaches, but instead of leaving a kiss on the boy’s lips, he simply nuzzles the tip of their noses together. “You make the world slow down.”

He falls back in bed, completely unaware of how dumbfounded Hyuck is.

“I should probably run from you.”

It takes Hyuck a few seconds, maybe a whole minute, but he finally splutters a sentence, “Why would you run from me?”

Mark smiles, looking back at the beautiful boy by his side. The answer seems so obvious, how can Hyuck not know? Isn’t he aware of the effect he has over Mark?

“‘Cause you make me want to stay.”

It’s silent after that, not that he minds. He expected Donghyuck to get up and leave or maybe laugh at him, but the boy simply lies down beside him, staring at the ceiling. It’s silent for a long time, but it feels like there are many words being said. Mark really doesn’t mind, his mind is far away by now, but he listens when Donghyuck finally finds his voice again.

“It would be nice if you did.”

It sounds broken, uncertain and filled with a vulnerability Mark has never seen coming from him before. It’s raw. 

It’s real.

Donghyuck is real. 

“If that’s what you want.”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

There’s nothing more he can say, mostly because his heart is beating too fast and he’s scared. He thinks Donghyuck is too.

_Don’t fall, don’t fall, don’t fall._

______

Donghyuck is walking around the field of flowers, filming random shots of their friends. Renjun and Chenle are on a tree, Jisung and Jeno are running around, and he’s just laying there, feeding himself strawberries. It’s like he entered another dimension again, where everything is somewhat the same but not really; they’re happier in this dimension, all of them.

“Look at you…” He mumbles to himself. “Just accept the fact that your friends are happy right now, no need to think about other dimensions.”

He soaks under the warmth of the sun, wearing Donghyuck’s pink heart-shaped sunglasses. Stupid rich kids having picnics with expensive drinks and food, acting like their lives aren’t falling apart. 

Speaking of falling apart, he wonders how Jaemin is doing. He hasn’t been responding to their texts, so maybe he’s in rehab, or he might have finally lost it. He is trying very hard not to think of it.

When he opens his eyes, Donghyuck is standing by his head, the camera filming him. 

“Is that a good angle?”

“You’re in it.”

Mark rolls his eyes, unable to hide a smug smile, “Shut up.”

“No can do; you know I have a deadline.”

“There’s so many things for you to film.”

“Nothing is as interesting as you.”

He laughs, resting on his elbows so Donghyuck can’t film him anymore. The change in position makes Hyuck turn around and straddle his spread legs, kneeling on top of him while his hand reaches for Mark’s chest, trying to make him lay down again. Mark holds his wrist.

“That’s private footage.”

“Oh? I can’t use your image?”

“There’s a price.”

Stupid expensive champagne.

Donghyuck’s eyes shine brighter than the fucking sun, and he’s just as warm too. So hard to say no to, so hard to look away.

“What would it be?”

He can feel his cheeks turning a violent shade of pink, but he couldn’t care less—he will blame it on the sun and the drinks he had. He turns Hyuck’s wrist, his lips meeting the boy’s pulse, his own heartbeat skipping after noticing how fast Donghyuck’s pulse is. Mark leaves a soft kiss there and lets go of his hand, finally laying down again, staring right at the boy on top of him.

“Mark Lee.” 

He smiles at how beautiful his name sounds coming out of those pretty lips.

“Yes?”

“What are you thinking of?”

He sees the lens zooming into him.

“That you look beautiful under the sunlight.”

That makes Donghyuck blush a pretty shade of pink, and Mark won’t make up excuses for that. The boy chuckles and rolls his eyes, finally turning off the camera and leaving it aside, only to attack Mark.

As they roll around on the grass, all he can think is how easily he could fall in love.  
  


He’s sitting at the porch of the house watching the sunset as his friends take turns showering. It’s so quiet and secluded here that even his thoughts calmed down. He would gladly move to Jeju in a few years, wouldn’t even think about everything he’d be leaving behind. Again, Mark wonders if Donghyuck would like to live in a place like this and if he would settle down one day, leave the city life behind like his mother did. 

“Are you lost?” Miss Lee asks as she approaches from the garden, carrying a basket filled with vegetables. “Where is everyone?”

“At the cabin. They’ll be here soon.”

Minho is building a bonfire for them to enjoy tonight, with lots of drinks and meat. Lee Hyori, however, decides to sit beside Mark, a motherly smile on her lips.

“My son told me about you.”

“He did?”

“Yeah, in his own way. He said you’re shy.”

“That’s one way to put it.”

Mark sees himself as an awkward person, but shy also fits the description. 

“You guys seem to be close.”

Hyori is a nice person. She seems like a great mother, though not a very present one, but it’s clear that she likes knowing everything about her son. Donghyuck never said a bad word about her and it doesn’t seem like he resents her either; if Mark had to guess, she has such an impact in his life that he mirrors her—in his carefreeness and studied disconnect. One of the first things that caught his attention about Donghyuck was his apathy to everything around him. They’re both so different, yet they still make it work.

Whatever _‘it’_ means.

“It’s crazy how close we are judging the fact that we’ve known each other for a few months.”

“The best relationships are like that.” When she smiles, Mark is taken aback by how much it reminds him of Donghyuck. “I fell in love with Minho after a week of knowing each other. We got married six months later and everyone had something to say, but we’ve been together for ten years now.”

“Wow. How did you guys meet?”

“My friend got a work offer in Sweden, of all places, and she asked if would visit her. I took my father and Donghyuck with me, he was nine years, the cutest child. 

My father loves traveling as much as I do, so he was delighted to go. One day she took me around her college campus and introduced me to her TA, a young and charming Minho. Of course we hit it off, I was completely head over heels for a guy who talked pationately about politics and philosophy. He was not my type at all—I always chose the screw-ups who left without saying goodbye, after getting whatever they wanted. 

But Minho… God, Minho was a real man. He respected me and made me feel safe, like no one ever did before. I introduced him to my father three dates later, already sure that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with that man, and my father couldn’t be happier. I think Donghyuck liked him from the start too, he was always so happy to meet _‘mommy’s friend’_.” She sighs, glancing at him and chuckling. “I speak too much, don’t I? Sorry.”

“No… Not at all. I’m just… speechless.”

His thoughts are racing because he just noticed how people can find love later in life, after many failed attempts.

“It’s just… Ever since I got broken up with I never really thought about the possibility of finding real love again.”

“Why? Just because you lost it once doesn’t mean you won’t find it again.”

“I guess… It’s just that I used to think there’s only one true love in your life. There’s the person made for you, the one you will love and spend the rest of your life with them. I thought my ex girlfriend was that person, but obviously she wasn’t.”

“Think of it this way: if they’re made for you then they’re exactly what you want, and most of the time that means they’re just like you. What’s the fun in that? They can’t complete you if they’re the same piece.”

“What if they’re a piece that was built to fit you the right way? In a different shape?

“Sometimes the shape is exactly what you need but with a different image.” She then laughs, a hand caressing his shoulder. “Enough with the metaphors. Just because she was what you wanted in a partner doesn’t mean she was meant for you. We should always look for the opposite of us, but maybe I’m just biased.”

“It worked for you, didn’t it?” He smiles as her words spin around his mind. “Maybe it will work for me too.”

“I’m sure it will.”

Mark chuckles as a thought crosses his mind, “The first time I talked to Hyuck I told him he will find love one day, now you’re here telling me the same thing.”

“Life is funny like that.” She smiles like she always does when it comes to her son. “I think he’s closer to finding real love than I was at his age.”

“Oh? How can you be so sure? We’re so young, if there’s something I learnt is that first love rarely ever lasts.”

“When it’s not meant to be, yes. Some people go through life falling in and out of love, trying to find the right person; some are lucky enough to find when they’re not even looking for it.”

“Hyuck will definitely find someone then.”

“I think he already did.”

Mark frowns, “Really? Who? I haven’t seen him with anyone that seems relevant.”

Is Donghyuck hiding someone from him?

Hyori laughs as if she can’t believe what she’s hearing, “Oh, Mark, you’re so funny! Haven’t you heard a mother knows best? I just know!”

“Know what? Is it someone from Jeju?”

“No.”

“Who then? Chenle? Jisung? Oh my, it’s Jaemin, isn’t it?! Oh… They’ve known each other for so long, of course it is!”

“Of course not! Jaemin is his friend! If you can’t figure it out, then drop it. Donghyuck isn’t aware of it either.”

“So how do you know? You sound crazy, Miss Lee!”

She rolls her eyes, “The eyes, Mark. The eyes! You’re both blind though, so good luck with that.”

She holds her basket and gets up, caressing his hair as she leaves. _We’re blind? What does she mean by that?_ _Donghyuck is not in love, he can’t be! He doesn’t talk to anyone but me and our friends, his hook-ups are meaningless and he’s too cool to date anyone._

Mark is still thinking about it during the bonfire. Donghyuck is sitting by his side, laughing at something Jeno said, as warm as the fire in front of them. If Mark took his hand, would he take it away? He drinks his beer, feeling it burn down his throat. 

Listening to Renjun talk about extraterrestrial life is always fun, but Donghyuck is distracting him just existing. It’s so annoying. Ever since that talk with Hyori, he can’t stop wondering if the boy has someone he likes romantically. Maybe Donghyuck is hiding it from them until he’s certain of his feelings? _No, c’mon! That’s unfair! We’re his friends… Right? I’m his friend? Fuck._

“You look constipated.” Donghyuck whispers at some point, his face too damn close. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just thinking.”

_Too much_.

“About Jaemin?”

Mark frowns. Why would he be thinking about Jaemin right now? He’s sure the boy is in good hands, and if he’s being honest to himself, Donghyuck is everything he’s thought about for the past four hours.

“No, not really. I was wondering how it would be like to live here.”

Donghyuck smiles softly, the flames reflecting in his eyes, and Mark can feel something bloom inside his chest. 

“I like it here.” The boy admits quietly, as if it’s a secret no one else can know. “Whenever I can’t think or everything gets too much I come to Jeju.”

“I can see why. It’s a great place.” Mark lays down on the blanket spread over the grass, the stars shining over him. “Your mom and Minho are really nice.”

“They are.” Donghyuck looks at him and downs his own beer, leaving the bottle aside and laying down. “I’m trying to get closer to them. I haven’t been a good son.”

“You said it yourself: we gotta give them hell eventually.”

“Do you really remember the stupid shit I say?” He chuckles, eyes running through Mark’s face. “You were a good kid, I was always giving them hell. Minho is a father figure to me, but there’s a part of me that resents him for a stupid reason.”

“What reason?”

“He’s not my real dad.” 

“That’s not stupid.”

“ _Eh_.” The boy shrugs. “It’s not his fault my father is a piece of trash.”

“Do you still talk to him? Your father, I mean.”

“Whenever he needs money. We don’t give it to him though, he just won’t give up.”

“I’m sorry about that.”

“It’s okay… I never really knew what it was like to have a father until Minho came into our lives, but I managed to screw that up.”

“You didn’t. It’s beautiful the way your mother talks about you and how happy Minho looks whenever you help him with something.”

“You noticed all of that?”

“Yeah. Is it creepy?”

The truth is that Mark was dying to know more about Donghyuck, so he was paying extra attention around his mother and stepfather.

“Not if it’s you.”

Oh.

_Does he want me to know him?_

Mark loses himself in thoughts.

“Hey, you two!” Chenle throws a marshmallow at him. “What about a song?”

“How about one of your depressing songs, Mark?” The boy smiles when the older hits him on the shoulder. “Hey! They’re good songs, just sad.”

Renjun adds, “Don’t go playing Asleep or shit like that.” 

He smiles even though they’re mocking him, taking the guitar from Jeno and lazily playing with it, waiting for Donghyuck to think of a song. The boy starts tapping his own leg to the tune of a song Mark knows too well.

_“Up on Melancholy Hill, there’s a plastic tree, are you here with me?”_ Doyoung starts, Mark following with the guitar. _“Just looking out on the day of another dream. Well you can’t get what you want, but you can get me.”_

_“So let’s set out the sea, love, ‘cause you are my medicine, when you’re close to me, when you’re close to me…”_

As he’s with his friends around the bonfire, singing songs and telling stories, he thinks that he could easily get used to a life like this. When he turns around, Donghyuck is smiling at him, eyes never leaving Mark, and it must mean something, it _could_ mean anything, but Mark is too afraid to find out.

It’s enough for now. It has to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it’s disgusting how in love they are???

**Author's Note:**

> markhyuck is falling in love  
> ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´ω`ﾟ)ﾟ｡


End file.
